I just went in to the office to sign my consent forms for my surgery. Stephanie (the Dr.s Assistant and one of the sweetest women you'll ever meet) has been in charge of setting me up and guiding me through the process. At first it was easy, almost routine... Then as she started walking me through the "what to expects" during and after surgery I started to well up. All the emotions washed over me so suddenly. I remembered the mental and emotional struggle, the depression, the "FOMO", and the excruciating pain....Everything came rushing back to me within a single moment. I lost control for a second. The tears showered down my face and as I started to apologize to Stephanie for the flood I realized that I don't need to be ashamed of it at all. Due to my last two reconstructive knee surgeries I know this process very well. In some ways that makes it easier. And in other ways it makes it way more difficult.... --To be completely aware of what lies ahead for me and to walk myself into it knowingly is-- ugh--'tough' to say the least. Since my last operation 4 years ago, getting hurt again has been my absolute worst fear.... *deep breath* ...I guess it's time to face my fears.
I swapped my mindset in an instant. I stopped feeling bad for myself, and I decided to be proud of what I'm going through. I'm proud of myself for having the strength and the courage to go through yet another reconstruction and rehabilitation...Because at the core my love and passion for dancing, and the desire to feel and share again on stage, motivates me not to accept this from my body. And from that I've learned to nurture my body, love it, heal it, and to never give up on it. I'm proud of my body and of what it's capable of. I'm proud of this process and how shitty and beautiful it is at the same time. I'm proud of what I've gone through up until now and proud what I'm about to go through over the next 10 months. I'm proud to say with confidence that I WILL be dancing again and stronger than ever, and I won't accept anything less of myself.
The desire to move is already bubbling up inside me. For the next few months I'll let it fill up and boil- I'll allow it to motivate me to be patient with myself. And when the time comes to start dancing again I'll keep that gratitude for my movement simmering. I'll never forget what it feels like to not be able walk or even so much as bend my knee. I won't ever take that kind of freedom for granted. I don't wish this experience on any human in the world. But the reality is, it happens. It's the nature of our beast. And the least I can do for others, and for myself, is to share what I've learned and whatever it is the universe wants me to see from it this time. There's always a purpose. There always has been. So many signs have been coming to me that, even though I don't want it to be true, there's no way I can deny that this is a subtle hand from the universe sitting me down and asking me to look at me life from a distance.
So.... I signed the papers, picked up my crutches, brace, and ice machine, and set a date for my surgery (October 5th, 2015). I spent my last few days before my operation trying to grasp my reality and prepare for my entire life to change....at least for the next 10 months.
I'm curious and dare I say -excited- to ride this ride. I can't wait to share what I see.
Follow My Journey...
P.S. my friends now call me "Bambi".... Can you guess why?(Story to come :-P)