What am I so afraid of?…..It’s taken me over a month to write this blog. Wait let me clarify….It’s taken me over a month to even convince myself to muster up enough energy to even START this blog. Even now I’m reluctantly typing away. It’s not that I don’t want to do this, I do. I dream about it and wake up smiling. It’s just that this past month I’ve been sinking. Fading away slowly into the heaviest of head spaces. A a slimy place. Slippery. It doesn’t feel good and yet at times it’s all I can bare. When I’m in this place I feel as though I’m watching myself fall, cognitively aware of what’s happening- that I’m losing my drive and entering a low point in my recovery, maybe even somewhat of a depression- and yet I can’t stop the fall. I know what it takes, and yet I don’t have the energy. It’s a vicious cycle once you trip into this type of oblivion. I can still see my dreams, see the time passing by, I understand what I need to do to recover but all I really want to do is sleep. I’m numb, which helps, and hurts more at the same time. I’m hungry and thankful I still have an appetite but I’m not eating enough because I don’t have the energy to get or prepare myself food. When the growling in my stomach becomes too painful, I eat. Which means 1 meal some days. I know. I know……It’s not good….I’m not taking my own advice… and I’m not proud of it. Which I guess is why I found myself avoiding my journal. I avoid what I don’t want to know. Writing, for me, equals knowing my truest inner monologue… my reality. In those moments my fear was my reality and seeing my reality on paper was creating so much fear. So I avoided writing and therefore I avoided most of my world. Stagnant and stuck….
I slept through days at a time. The days added up to weeks. I could feel my muscles weakening more than they already were and the weaker they got the more pain and instability I could feel in my knee. I was scared. I would think of all the fun times I had on the Shaping Sound tour and get happy-and then sad- knowing the next time that will happen will only come after the pain and hard work is endured and 8 more months had passed. Every thought seemed to be a double-edged sword. (Have you ever seen Inside Out? -If not, you must see it!- It felt exactly as they show it- when sadness touches your memories and one by one they turn blue).
I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the moments of light in my future that I was able to see only weeks ago. Christmas was approaching but it didn’t feel like Christmas. It felt so gloomy and lonely (no matter how many friends I was surrounded by). My spirit wasn’t there. No joy. No Christmas music- It just didn’t feel right. I was in a funk and I had no will to find my way out. Weeks went by and I just….. laid in it. I surrendered deeply to the heaviness in my body. I woke up every morning just to roll over and fall back to sleep, and I didn’t care…. about anything really. Except, there was one thing I craved. Connection. I craved talking to my friends. I craved listening. I craved just being in the presence of someone. Because, really, some one else energy was the only thing that made me feel half alive. My physical body was tapped out but I held on to those cravings for connection as best I could because I didn’t want to disappear. I’ve done that before and it didn’t serve me. When I would call my friends I noticed I would put on a “I’m conquering all-and all is well” facade. I would open up a bit, but not fully. About a week before Christmas, I found myself still undecided on whether or not I would go home to VA for Christmas. I was so deep in my sadness it became almost comfortable. I didn’t feel ready to be pulled from it- and so I planned on swimming in it through the holidays. One day while talking to my gal friend Ava (best friend since I was 5, dancer, teacher, life coach, spiritual gangster) I finally admitted to her- and myself I guess- what I had been feeling. I opened up to what a day looked like for me at that point: mostly sleeping, sometimes eating, lots of crying…And as I spoke my truth I started to want to sugar coat it. Saying it out loud made it so real and I felt ashamed of it. Guilty even. (I struggle with guilt a lot). Ava changed my whole perception in an instant when she responded with: “The best thing you can do for yourself right now is “Cry, sleep, and drink lots of water- In that order”. It immediately made me feel validated. It didn’t make me happy or lift the fog. But it made me feel like it was okay for me to be in a crappy place. I try to be so strong and when I can’t live up to my own standards I make myself feel wrong for it- like I’m letting everyone down because I’m not the superhuman I aimed to be. That’s not realistic and causes me so much unnecessary pain. I’m not perfect. I hurt some times. I’m sad. I get discouraged. I have moments of weakness. I get sloppy. I’m angry at my circumstance. I’m vulnerable. I get easily frustrated. I don’t always feel pretty. I don’t always feel valuable. I cry a lot these days. I know I’m loved by many wonderful people but then I don’t always love myself the way I deserve. And I am so scared….. most of the time. I’m working on forgiveness and especially on forgiving myself for making these very natural emotions feel so wrong.
My family and friends lovingly convinced me to come home for the holiday and I’m so glad I did. I was reminded of just how loved I am, and I got to reconnect with friends and family that I had been distant from. I felt the true meaning of Christmas more authentically than I ever have (that home is really where the heart is and that no matter what gets taken from you or destroyed the people- the connection- that’s what heals and gives life). I had a week full of gratitude for everything I’ve learned this year and was even able to clear the way for brand new intentions in 2016. I left VA feeling a lot different. It helped to cleanse me and rejuvenated the energy that I felt had been so greatly depleted in the past month. Things aren’t perfect and I know I’ll experience these funks again. Life is a rise and fall. Emotions rise and fall every day and they are exaggerated 10 fold when we experience traumatic events or go through change. My logical brain understands that- I can even say that I knew this would happen. But that doesn’t cushion the fall. No amount of preparation ever will. In fact, the awareness of it created this almost out of body experience for me. I think that’s where the numbness came in. I felt everything so sharply and nothing all at once. I continue to go in and out of it. Everyday I struggle with juggling the temptation to surrender to the dark feelings I’m experiencing or taking on the experience including all the pain and to keep pushing forward anyway. Sometimes I overcome the dark and I feel stronger that day. Other days I surrender---and that’s okay too.
Thought: I think the pressure to show off a perfect life in our society makes being vulnerable feel like weakness. When really, being vulnerable sometimes makes us so much stronger in our empowering moments. And it creates in us compassion for others. The destruction hurts but the resurrection is a miraculous thing to watch if we can make it through the trenches. Believing in the magic of the journey and trusting that where it’s taking me next is better than where I just was….that’s the only thing that pulls me through sometimes. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually it’s all magic in the end.
I love hearing all your thoughts and receiving all your love and support. I can’t wait to see what happens and to share more with you all in 2016. And more than anything I love hearing your stories. So thank you for sharing with me and inspiring me in return. Sending so much love out there! Pass it on! HAPPY NEW YEAR!